Do We Need Humans?
you've decided to get yourself a human being.
doing so, you've
the millions of other cats who have
these strange and
will be any number of times, during
course of your association with humans,
you will wonder why
have bothered to grace them with your presence.
so great about humans, anyway?
not just hang around
greatest philosophers have struggled with this
the answer is actually rather simple:
HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS.
makes them the perfect tools for
tasks as opening doors,
the lids off of cat food cans,
television stations and other
that we, despite our
obvious advantages, find difficult to
chimps, orangutans and lemurs also have opposable
but they are nowhere as easy to train.
And When to
Your Human's Attention
often erroneously assume that there are other,
than taking care of your immediate needs,
spending time with their families
this is dreadfully inconvenient,
can make this work to your
by pestering your human at
moment it is the busiest. It is
so flustered that it will do whatever you want it to do,
out of its hair.
coincidentally, human teenagers
are some tried and true methods
getting your human to do what
on paper: An oldie but a goodie.
a human has paper in front of
chances are good it's something they
is more important than
They will often offer you a snack to lure you away.
over this wood pulp product at every opportunity.
works well with computer keyboards,
controls, car keys and
your human at odd hours:
cat's "golden time" is between 3:30
4:30 in the morning.
you paw at your human's sleeping face during
have a better than even chance that it will get up and, in an
exactly what you want.
may actually have to
deep sleepers to get their attention;
to vary the scratch
to keep the human from getting suspicious.
despite your best training efforts,
human will stubbornly
bending to your whim.
these extreme circumstances, you may
to punish your human.
punishments, such as scratching
or eating household plants,
likely to backfire; the
are likely to misinterpret t
activities and then try to discipline
we offer these subtle but
the cat box during an important formal dinner.
impassively at your human while it is attempting a romantic
over an important piece of electronic equipment and feign a hairball
your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror film, stand
the hall closet and then slowly back away, hissing and yowling.
your human is sleeping, lie on its face.
Rewarding Your Human:
Your Gift Still Be Alive?
cat world is divided over the etiquette
presenting humans with the
gift of a recently disembowelled animal.
prefer these gifts already dead,
others maintain that humans
a slowly expiring cricket or rodent
as much as we do, given their
and playful movements in picking
creatures up after
much consideration of the human psyche,
recommend the following:
blooded animals (large insects, frogs,
garden snakes and the
earthworm) should be presented dead,
warm blooded animals
rodents, your neighbour's Pomeranian)
better still living.
see the expression on your human's face,
know it's worth it.
How Long Should You Keep Your Human?
are only obligated to your human for one of your lives.
up to you.
recommend mixing and matching,
in the end, most
(at least the ones that are worth living with)
pretty much the
what do you expect?
humans, after all.
only take you so far.